More than any other time of my life I feel torn by identities and social pressures. I do believe it’s never too late to become something – although I may never become a professional ballerina at this point, I could still become a ballerina. But – if I want to be a financially independent woman, and to have a family (which to me requires the wherewithal to provide for my children), I don’t have all the time in the world. Biological clocks, and all.
The other day, I had a fantastic hang out session with my good friend C. We’ve been friends since orientation of our undergrad – I like to remember fondly that we were co-presidents of our orientation team. C is my oldest friend in Vancouver and has been a huge influence on my life just by being himself: incredibly intelligent, super humorous, a great activity buddy, and such a calming presence.
C and I have hung out less often in the past few years because I moved away to do my masters. So, it has been great to reconnect with him again. And with the reconnecting, I’ve been surprised to learn a little about how I have changed. During one of our conversations, I caught a glimpse of the Sylvia that C remembered from undergrad, and how I remembered feeling at the time – free spirited, uninhibited, loving, and fully living…
I realized that I haven’t felt the same way in a while. I know that I have always teetered between this duality of drive and freedom. Lately, I think the pressures have been more consuming. Maybe it’s the suddenly grown up things that have entered my life – a serious Relationship, achieving dreams, pursuing professional degrees… or maybe it’s just my attitude and a lack of balance.
It is important for me to keep an individual identity and my independence amidst Relationship and pursuits that tend toward conforming with a social treadmill.
